To disavow or not to disavow...that is the question.

I’m laying in bed right now about to fall asleep. I decide to do one last Facebook check (a sad ritual in and of itself) when I stumble on the 7^th or 8^th article in the last couple of days about the LDS church’s policies on same-sex marriage and children. Of course it was yet another “friend” of mine posting a link to yet another explanation or myth-busting article or blog about these infamous policies announced this week. Along with the link was a similar little paragraph that I’ve read over and over again.

“Please practice tolerance with our religion as we do with everyone else’s.”

“I love my LGBT friends just the same as before.”

“Please educate yourself.”

“I encourage you to read this article for better understanding.”

Trust me, I’ve read them all. I’ve taken the time no matter what else I’m doing to click the links, read the explanations, the testimonies, the clarifications for all of our “confused” brothers and sisters. There’s nothing confusing about these policies. I’m pretty sure (whether I agree with it or not) that I understand what this policy is saying. For those who still may not understand, here:

“A natural or adopted child of a parent living in a same-gender relationship, whether the couple is married or cohabitating, may not receive a name and a blessing.” The child may however be baptized if “the child accepts and is committed to live the teachings and doctrine of the Church, and specifically disavows the practice of same-gender cohabitation and marriage” and “the child is of legal age and does not live with a parent who has lived or currently lives in a same-gender cohabitation relationship or marriage.”

Any questions? We good? Moving on then to a little story time.

So Adam & Steve (you’re welcome) are a loving couple “cohabitating”. Their love is strong and true and they decide to take the next big step and get married (you know, since it’s legal for same-sex couples in our country to do so now). Some time goes by and they decide to adopt a little girl named Sally (it just seemed like a safe name to use, there is no offense to be taken IF in fact your name is Sally and this scenario is nothing like your real life). Sally grows up like all children do. Through the years she gains a lot of friends who are part of the LDS church. As per usual with their charismatic charm and persuasion (that’s not to make fun of them, I love them and all their charm…I’m simply stating facts and examples from my own childhood), they tell Sally how wonderful their church is and invite her to join. They give Sally her very own copy of The Book of Mormon (the original book of course, not the wildly popular, Tony award-winning Broadway musical) and inside is a personalized note about how this book will change her life and they’re willing to answer any questions she may have. Sally reads and studies, asks questions, and overall finds that she does in fact want to join this church. She believes in what they believe, she wants to join the choir (probably not an actual choir, I’m speaking about the metaphor Equality Utah spoke of in their statement released this week where executive director Troy Williams states, “But we know that children of same-sex parents are treasures of infinite worth. In our universe, all God’s children have a place in the choir.”)

Now comes the time when she must tell her parents (you remember Adam & Steve?) about her new beliefs and how she wants to join the church. The same parents who have raised her since she was a baby, the same two fathers who love her unconditionally and have hoped that they have instilled some sort of wisdom and well-being into the rest of her life, she tells them that she wants to join the church. Then comes the truth bomb. Adam & Steve tell her that they will fully support her no matter what decision she makes in life. However, according to this updated policy in the LDS church, she has to wait until she is of legal age to make this decision. Not only that, but she has to “disavow” (which according to Merriam-Webster means to deny responsibility for or to refuse to acknowledge or accept) her fathers’ marriage to each other. She has to fully in her heart believe that her two dads, with their unconditional love for each other and for her, that their marriage is something she refuses to acknowledge. Isn’t that just sad? Can you imagine how awkward family dinners are going to be after this little chat? If you’re a parent yourself, can you imagine your child telling you one day that they don’t accept the marriage between you and your husband or wife (whether sacred, legal, or both)?

I’m not trying to bash any religious group or put down any beliefs. Everyone is entitled to believe whatever they want to believe. I personally believe we have the responsibility to be respectful when it comes to our differences. Whether we agree or disagree on certain subjects, let us acknowledge, talk respectfully, and move forward in life.

But let me just make a few statements and ask a few important questions:

First off, being gay is not a choice, it is not a fad, it is not some decision we make one fine day. It is who we are. It is who God created us to be.

Second, according to LDS.net and this article, it simply states that “while some same-sex couples adopt, many children of same-sex couples come from divorce.” Yet, there is no credit given to any kind of research that backs up this generalization. Children come from divorce from either same-sex or different-sex couples. If you are going to use this as an argument, provide the statistics. It’s a simple task really. Don’t make it out to seem as though children who come from divorce are mostly from same-sex couples.

Third, I respect any out and proud gay man who is part of a church organization that happens to denounce the practice of homosexuality. But if you are to write a personal testimony about this controversial topic, don’t denounce same-sex marriage in the same vain as polygamy. (I’m talking of course about this guy). That’s just like the classic tale of “if we let gays marry each other, then that opens the door for people to marry their dogs.” That argument is tired, invalid, and extremely offensive.

Fourth, when the Supreme Court ruling was made to ensure that all same-sex couples have the legal right to marry, it was not a decision enforced within every church across the nation. The last I checked, everyone still has the freedom of religion. Government hasn’t brought forth any sort of ruling that states for churches (whether they believe or don’t believe in the practice of homosexuality and/or gay marriage) that they must let same-sex couples marry in their sacred walls of God.

Fifth, I understand and identify your church’s “good intent” and for that matter any church’s own good intent so to speak. Just don’t use the argument that this is supposed to be pro-gay family, that this will enrich the family life. This hurts the family more than it actually helps. You can list off every example about legal divorce proceedings, child custody battles, etc. that you want, but it does not change the fact that you are telling the child to deny what their parents have. Isn’t the fifth commandment to honor your father and your mother?

And finally, as I said before, everyone is allowed to believe whatever they want to believe. I respect the idea that yes, this gives children more time to fully understand and appreciate the faith before they can officially enter into it. It allows them time to really discern what God is calling them to do. Rather than being baptized as a young child just because everyone else in your family is, this gives you the opportunity to make the decision yourself, thoughtfully and consciously. What I have a hard time understanding is how anyone can spend 15 or more years in a loving home with two parents who happen to be gay or lesbian and still want to join a church that tells you to disavow, disapprove, denounce, and deny the love that they share. That unconditional love your parents may have passed on to you is the same one your religion wants you to distance yourself from so to speak. Then again, it’s only been a few days since this policy has been added. I guess we’ll just have to wait a few more years for any kind of testimony, blog, or personal sharing that disagrees with all that I’ve just said.