To disavow or not to disavow...that is the question.

I’m laying in bed right now about to fall asleep. I decide to do one last Facebook check (a sad ritual in and of itself) when I stumble on the 7^th or 8^th article in the last couple of days about the LDS church’s policies on same-sex marriage and children. Of course it was yet another “friend” of mine posting a link to yet another explanation or myth-busting article or blog about these infamous policies announced this week. Along with the link was a similar little paragraph that I’ve read over and over again.

“Please practice tolerance with our religion as we do with everyone else’s.”

“I love my LGBT friends just the same as before.”

“Please educate yourself.”

“I encourage you to read this article for better understanding.”

Trust me, I’ve read them all. I’ve taken the time no matter what else I’m doing to click the links, read the explanations, the testimonies, the clarifications for all of our “confused” brothers and sisters. There’s nothing confusing about these policies. I’m pretty sure (whether I agree with it or not) that I understand what this policy is saying. For those who still may not understand, here:

“A natural or adopted child of a parent living in a same-gender relationship, whether the couple is married or cohabitating, may not receive a name and a blessing.” The child may however be baptized if “the child accepts and is committed to live the teachings and doctrine of the Church, and specifically disavows the practice of same-gender cohabitation and marriage” and “the child is of legal age and does not live with a parent who has lived or currently lives in a same-gender cohabitation relationship or marriage.”

Any questions? We good? Moving on then to a little story time.

So Adam & Steve (you’re welcome) are a loving couple “cohabitating”. Their love is strong and true and they decide to take the next big step and get married (you know, since it’s legal for same-sex couples in our country to do so now). Some time goes by and they decide to adopt a little girl named Sally (it just seemed like a safe name to use, there is no offense to be taken IF in fact your name is Sally and this scenario is nothing like your real life). Sally grows up like all children do. Through the years she gains a lot of friends who are part of the LDS church. As per usual with their charismatic charm and persuasion (that’s not to make fun of them, I love them and all their charm…I’m simply stating facts and examples from my own childhood), they tell Sally how wonderful their church is and invite her to join. They give Sally her very own copy of The Book of Mormon (the original book of course, not the wildly popular, Tony award-winning Broadway musical) and inside is a personalized note about how this book will change her life and they’re willing to answer any questions she may have. Sally reads and studies, asks questions, and overall finds that she does in fact want to join this church. She believes in what they believe, she wants to join the choir (probably not an actual choir, I’m speaking about the metaphor Equality Utah spoke of in their statement released this week where executive director Troy Williams states, “But we know that children of same-sex parents are treasures of infinite worth. In our universe, all God’s children have a place in the choir.”)

Now comes the time when she must tell her parents (you remember Adam & Steve?) about her new beliefs and how she wants to join the church. The same parents who have raised her since she was a baby, the same two fathers who love her unconditionally and have hoped that they have instilled some sort of wisdom and well-being into the rest of her life, she tells them that she wants to join the church. Then comes the truth bomb. Adam & Steve tell her that they will fully support her no matter what decision she makes in life. However, according to this updated policy in the LDS church, she has to wait until she is of legal age to make this decision. Not only that, but she has to “disavow” (which according to Merriam-Webster means to deny responsibility for or to refuse to acknowledge or accept) her fathers’ marriage to each other. She has to fully in her heart believe that her two dads, with their unconditional love for each other and for her, that their marriage is something she refuses to acknowledge. Isn’t that just sad? Can you imagine how awkward family dinners are going to be after this little chat? If you’re a parent yourself, can you imagine your child telling you one day that they don’t accept the marriage between you and your husband or wife (whether sacred, legal, or both)?

I’m not trying to bash any religious group or put down any beliefs. Everyone is entitled to believe whatever they want to believe. I personally believe we have the responsibility to be respectful when it comes to our differences. Whether we agree or disagree on certain subjects, let us acknowledge, talk respectfully, and move forward in life.

But let me just make a few statements and ask a few important questions:

First off, being gay is not a choice, it is not a fad, it is not some decision we make one fine day. It is who we are. It is who God created us to be.

Second, according to LDS.net and this article, it simply states that “while some same-sex couples adopt, many children of same-sex couples come from divorce.” Yet, there is no credit given to any kind of research that backs up this generalization. Children come from divorce from either same-sex or different-sex couples. If you are going to use this as an argument, provide the statistics. It’s a simple task really. Don’t make it out to seem as though children who come from divorce are mostly from same-sex couples.

Third, I respect any out and proud gay man who is part of a church organization that happens to denounce the practice of homosexuality. But if you are to write a personal testimony about this controversial topic, don’t denounce same-sex marriage in the same vain as polygamy. (I’m talking of course about this guy). That’s just like the classic tale of “if we let gays marry each other, then that opens the door for people to marry their dogs.” That argument is tired, invalid, and extremely offensive.

Fourth, when the Supreme Court ruling was made to ensure that all same-sex couples have the legal right to marry, it was not a decision enforced within every church across the nation. The last I checked, everyone still has the freedom of religion. Government hasn’t brought forth any sort of ruling that states for churches (whether they believe or don’t believe in the practice of homosexuality and/or gay marriage) that they must let same-sex couples marry in their sacred walls of God.

Fifth, I understand and identify your church’s “good intent” and for that matter any church’s own good intent so to speak. Just don’t use the argument that this is supposed to be pro-gay family, that this will enrich the family life. This hurts the family more than it actually helps. You can list off every example about legal divorce proceedings, child custody battles, etc. that you want, but it does not change the fact that you are telling the child to deny what their parents have. Isn’t the fifth commandment to honor your father and your mother?

And finally, as I said before, everyone is allowed to believe whatever they want to believe. I respect the idea that yes, this gives children more time to fully understand and appreciate the faith before they can officially enter into it. It allows them time to really discern what God is calling them to do. Rather than being baptized as a young child just because everyone else in your family is, this gives you the opportunity to make the decision yourself, thoughtfully and consciously. What I have a hard time understanding is how anyone can spend 15 or more years in a loving home with two parents who happen to be gay or lesbian and still want to join a church that tells you to disavow, disapprove, denounce, and deny the love that they share. That unconditional love your parents may have passed on to you is the same one your religion wants you to distance yourself from so to speak. Then again, it’s only been a few days since this policy has been added. I guess we’ll just have to wait a few more years for any kind of testimony, blog, or personal sharing that disagrees with all that I’ve just said.

Why Come Out? (The Importance of the Celebrity)

Another day, another celebrity coming out of that ever-crowded (but super-fabulous) closet. But where’s the shock value? Where’s the TIME or People magazine cover? Where is the scandalous story in the salacious gossip columns? In this day and age, no one is really phased by a celebrity coming out anymore. Some people in fact are frustrated and annoyed with the fact that others make it a bigger deal than it needs to be. But it IS in fact a big deal, and here’s why:

Long ago, it was a national headline when it was announced that Rock Hudson was gay and had died of AIDS. Who remembers where they were the moment they saw Ellen DeGeneres on the cover of TIME, or even when they saw the episode of her show where her character came out? And let’s not forget the scandal that was George Michael being outed in a public bathroom. These outings (and countless more) were the breaking point for what has now becoming a socially acceptable thing. Actors, celebrities, and public figures alike started to come out left and right it seemed, declaring who they were to the public. Some had even expressed how much of a relief it was, or they chose to proclaim why they kept it a secret for so long (even though most people usually have a suspicion about it all). A lot of times, it was the pressure and fear that if they came out as gay or lesbian, they wouldn’t be accepted or they would lose work because of their sexuality. We now have come to realize that in 2014, this is not the case so to speak.

Look at the number of twitter followers Anderson Cooper has. Pay attention to how many times Neil Patrick Harris has hosted a major awards ceremony. Keep in mind how many viewers Ellen has for her talk show every day.

It’s not that being gay is what is “in” right now. It seems to me that the only thing “in” are nonchalant outings, celebrities and public figures simply telling the public who they are. But why do they need to announce anything at all, even if it is just a simple tweet or a speech in public?

 

Let me tell you the story about a little boy, going to school for 6+ years everyday being constantly ridiculed and teased for his sexuality (even though he didn’t really understand what "being gay" was). There was no one his age at the time that he could look up to, that he thought of as a role model, someone who had publicly announced that they had gone through the same thing. Imagine feeling all alone, and the only thing you really want is someone to say that they’ve been where you’ve been. Sure there was Ellen at first, but she was practically lynched for coming out. I mean, how many years did it take for her until she found success with Finding Nemo and her own talk show?

 

Not everyone idolizes celebrities because of their good looks, fit bodies, and pretty teeth. Some people actually admire a celebrity because they stand up for good, they do what’s right, and they are just like you and me (shocking, I KNOW).

It’s not just a little Mexican boy wanting to relate to someone famous in that sense. It’s also a closeted high school football player, afraid of what his team would think or do and wants to tell people, “hey, if Michael Sam can be gay and play football, then so can I!” It’s an aspiring lesbian actress, afraid of not getting good roles because of her sexuality who may say, “wow, if Sarah Paulson can get amazing roles in film and TV, then so can I!” It’s an aspiring rapper who lives in fear of coming out in the hip-hop community and jeopardizing his potential career who says, “well, if Frank Ocean can nab so many Grammy nominations, then so can I!” The list can go on forever, but do you see my point? It’s something to aspire to, to be able to relate to someone publicly like that. It’s a source of inspiration for some people to know that they are capable of great things in life too. It IS in fact possible. And for me, Ellen Page is just one more extraordinary public figure making a difference by coming out, helping millions of quirky girls like herself believe that anything is possible.

 

Sure, wouldn’t it be great to one day live in a world where coming out in public doesn’t feel like a necessity? To one day live freely and just be accepted for who you are without a public declaration? I mean, you don’t hear straight people coming out as straight. But until that day comes, it’s important coming out with your sexuality as a public, no matter what line of work you’re in. You’ll never know how many people will be inspired or motivated, or just how many lives will be saved. 

Take it from me, it feels good to know that there IS in fact someone out there like me, and that I am capable of greatness and pure joy too.

Respect and Compassion (A gay Catholic's point of view)

I know almost for a fact that in my lifetime, I will see gay marriage accepted and allowed within our government. What I have a hard time seeing in my lifetime is the Catholic Church accepting it. And I’m pretty sure I’m ok with it.

WARNING: My stance on gay marriage is one that I still am trying to figure out. As a gay Catholic, there are a lot of things to consider and a lot that I still need to assess first. This is not an official statement on what side I fall on or what side I take, but rather a rant on what I believe for both sides of the equation. If you are looking for a definitive answer from me, if you are just going to judge me for not standing up for gay rights as a gay man, or you are going to criticize why I as a Catholic am not standing up for my religion as fiercely as others, then please leave now and let’s leave it at that.

Regardless of where you fall on the line, there should be compassion and humility in what you believe and not having to put anyone’s opinions down just for the sake of getting your point across, FOR BOTH SIDES!

I have a symbol on my Facebook picture today that is red with an equal sign. While most would say that this is my direct support for gay marriage, I think of it more as my support for this open discussion, that we live in a time when something that used to be so hush-hush is so main stream. I mean no harm in my picture; it’s just a simple sign of support.

Seeing a symbol of a shoe with this equal sign on it, stomping on top of a church I feel is a bit harsh and a bit dramatic, and quite frankly very hurtful to me. I have been Catholic since I was a baby, but God knew I was gay before that. All of my life, my sexuality has been a struggle coming to terms with on a lot of different levels. And while there are things within the Catholic Church that I don’t necessarily agree with wholeheartedly, I have never once have called out the church or ridiculed it in any way as though I were taking my beliefs and crushing them down on the church.

We can go on and on about the reasoning behind our opinions. Whether I pull out the “Jesus told us to love one another” card and others pull out the “Adam & Eve, not Adam & Steve” card, either way people are going to be upset and there are certainly justifiable pieces of support for either stance.

I in no way am anywhere near the thought of wanting to get married. I still have to deal with flakes and assholes when it comes to dating, so getting married isn’t something I really see in my near future to be honest. When and only if that time comes when I meet someone I love and make a promise to spend the rest of our lives together, of course I would like to have that option of marriage. Unfortunately though, I’m a bit confused about my own stance on this since realistically I know this probably will never happen within the church. So as of now, I in no way have any intention to enforce my views on the church. I respect the church, I’ve grown up in the church, I am heavily involved in the church, but I still have a general respect for what anyone believes, AS LONG AS they are mature and respectful about how they present their ideals and morals.

Some of my best and closest friends are strong, faithful Catholics. Never once have I ever been shunned from the group, forced to give up my friends simply because of my sexuality. And whether it’s because we just have never had a full-on open discussion about our beliefs when it comes to gay marriage or whether our friendship defies these kinds of stances, I’m ok with that. Nothing ever changed with my friends when I came out, nothing was supposed to change. Again it was just one more thing that was a part of who I was, but it is not what defines me (I have said this so many times before, y’all should know that much about me by now!) I love my friends and respect the fact not all of us agree on the same thing. My friendships are based on so much more than just beliefs. While some people may say that this is supposed to be a whole basis for what a friendship is, I think it works just fine without that as a focal point.

With the ranting aside, let me just say again that I don’t have a definitive answer about what side I take on this subject. I am gay, I am attracted to men, I am Catholic, I believe in God. No one can tell me that my faith is wrong, no can tell me that being gay is wrong and that I’m going to hell. I mean, feel free to try, but I’m way past the point of letting those insults get to me.

At the end of the day, I have my own personal relationship with God and my faith. No one is going to take that away.

WANTED: True love (inquire within!) - Valentine's Day 2013

This Valentine’s Day, I find myself single yet again. And given the success of my gay blog (thanks for the support everyone) I wanted to bring to mind what I look for in a significant other (wherever the hell he is) and what I am bringing to the equation. So here goes!

The Physical…

Teeth: This is the first thing I really pay attention to. I’m a sucker for big smiles, dimples, and fresh breath (OH YES!)

Body: I don’t want someone who can eat me up in one bite, but yet I don’t look for someone skinnier than a light pole. I’m not extremely built and toned, but I take care of myself and stay active and healthy. I just hope someone else feels this way too.

Personal Hygiene: The messy look works for a small amount of men, but please at least SMELL like you take care of yourself. There’s nothing more to turn me off than someone who smells like they just filmed an episode of Hoarders.

Wardrobe: There’s nothing more attractive to me than a man who knows how to dress and owns his style. I’m not asking for a suit and tie everyday (unless you’re Justin Timberlake), but I hope for someone who is confident and comfortable in what they wear.

Ethnicity: I don’t discriminate at all in this field. I have never really been partial to Asians, Indians, or Native Americans (but you never know what’ll happen).

Quirks: I’m attracted to MEN! Not boys. It’s masculinity that I’m attracted to, not flamboyancy.

The Personal

Personality: I can easily be a lot to handle at times, but I in no way plan on being intimidating. I want someone outgoing and personable. Live a little bit and have some fun. Show me what you’re all about!

Sense of Humor: I want a guy who can make me laugh and can take a joke. I’m a bit of a smart-ass, so he’ll have to keep up. Just know when it’s appropriate and when it’s not (common sense).

Confidence: Own who you are and don’t be afraid to show me (and others).

I know it seems like I’m shooting for the stars here, but it’s very simple. I’m not single-minded, and it’s not as though all I care about are the physical attributes. I’m not the most beautiful person in the world, but I take care of myself and am confident in what I wear, what I do, and who I am. All I ask is that you be too.

The First Date

It’s hard for gays to try and establish who asks who and who pays for what. Back in my straight days (yes, they existed for a little bit) it was always me who asked out, drove, and paid. Nowadays, I want to take a backseat and not have to do all the work every once in a while. I want to be pursued for a change. Is that so complicated to understand?!!!

I’m one of those guys who would nothing more than dinner and a movie. I like things simple at first. If anything goes past the first date, then we can mix it up and get adventurous later.

The dinner conversation has usually been the BIG FAIL in my previous dating attempts. I’m not a fan of the one-sided conversations. I shouldn’t be the only one asking the questions. I want to answer some too! I take a lot of interest in what other people have to say when I’m in this one-on-one scenario, but please spend time on me as well.

Cell phone etiquette is pretty important. I’m guilty of always having my phone on the table (mainly because I don’t want my pants to crack it or something). But just know that I flip it around so I’m not looking at what pops up whether it’s a text, e-mail, missed call, or other notification (sorry FaceBook and Instagram.) I’ve heard many times that its work emergency or a family member that they need to talk to or answer for. That’s fine, but more times than most, I can tell it’s a complete lie. And there’s nothing more rude than interrupting our conversation right in the middle of me talking to answer your phone. And you better not give me the “hold it” finger.

Movie theater time is always pretty interesting. Usually it’s preferred to see a comedy or a scary movie (something entertaining). I don’t want to sit on a first date reading subtitles or crying. That will come with time. I like to hold hands, I like to duck and jump over to you when something’s scary. But there’s nothing more frustrating when neither one makes any kind of move or subtle invitation for those moments.

The end of the night can get pretty awkward, but it doesn’t have to be. Know when the night is over. Don’t linger around if there’s nothing more to talk about. We’ve just spent 3+ hours together, so let’s leave a little mystery for the next time (if there is one). If nothing happened during the movie, then a hug will suffice. If there is no intention for another date, handshake. And if there was any kind of hope that this could turn into something more, then by all means make it a memorable first kiss.

I’m always a fan after saying goodbye to follow up with a quick thank you text. Not a phone call, not a thousand voicemails, just a simple text when you get home saying something along the lines of, “thank you, I had such a great time” etc. And to follow up with that, if you have no intention to go out again, be upfront and politely pass. Tell me! Don’t ignore. There’s nothing more embarrassing than making more attempts to go out again when they don’t make an effort in return or choose to do nothing either way.

In conclusion…

I’m 21. I know I have time. But I find myself at a point in my life when I yearn for something more. I’m not looking to settle down and move in with someone at this very moment, but I do look towards more opportunities for trial and error. I may be a busy guy with the most insane schedule that is never consistent, but if someone comes along that I want to make an effort with, I will make time. I complain every Valentine’s Day that I’m single and no one loves me, no one ever approaches me or makes the first move (which is pretty much the truth most of the time). But I have to be equally engaging and put myself out there too. I want a relationship based on honesty, passion, and above all else a deeper spirituality. In order to avoid a long debate about gay marriage and whatnot, I’ll just say that I yearn for someone in my life, another man who will love me and I him, someone who will protect me and fight for me because I will be doing the same. That is why during this season of Lent, I am striving for celibacy (take that in whatever way comes to mind, but I'm not giving details) and praying for my future love (wherever he is). I am praying to God that he is all things I look for and more, and I trust that God knows who is best for me even if I may not know right away.