Why Come Out? (The Importance of the Celebrity)

Another day, another celebrity coming out of that ever-crowded (but super-fabulous) closet. But where’s the shock value? Where’s the TIME or People magazine cover? Where is the scandalous story in the salacious gossip columns? In this day and age, no one is really phased by a celebrity coming out anymore. Some people in fact are frustrated and annoyed with the fact that others make it a bigger deal than it needs to be. But it IS in fact a big deal, and here’s why:

Long ago, it was a national headline when it was announced that Rock Hudson was gay and had died of AIDS. Who remembers where they were the moment they saw Ellen DeGeneres on the cover of TIME, or even when they saw the episode of her show where her character came out? And let’s not forget the scandal that was George Michael being outed in a public bathroom. These outings (and countless more) were the breaking point for what has now becoming a socially acceptable thing. Actors, celebrities, and public figures alike started to come out left and right it seemed, declaring who they were to the public. Some had even expressed how much of a relief it was, or they chose to proclaim why they kept it a secret for so long (even though most people usually have a suspicion about it all). A lot of times, it was the pressure and fear that if they came out as gay or lesbian, they wouldn’t be accepted or they would lose work because of their sexuality. We now have come to realize that in 2014, this is not the case so to speak.

Look at the number of twitter followers Anderson Cooper has. Pay attention to how many times Neil Patrick Harris has hosted a major awards ceremony. Keep in mind how many viewers Ellen has for her talk show every day.

It’s not that being gay is what is “in” right now. It seems to me that the only thing “in” are nonchalant outings, celebrities and public figures simply telling the public who they are. But why do they need to announce anything at all, even if it is just a simple tweet or a speech in public?

 

Let me tell you the story about a little boy, going to school for 6+ years everyday being constantly ridiculed and teased for his sexuality (even though he didn’t really understand what "being gay" was). There was no one his age at the time that he could look up to, that he thought of as a role model, someone who had publicly announced that they had gone through the same thing. Imagine feeling all alone, and the only thing you really want is someone to say that they’ve been where you’ve been. Sure there was Ellen at first, but she was practically lynched for coming out. I mean, how many years did it take for her until she found success with Finding Nemo and her own talk show?

 

Not everyone idolizes celebrities because of their good looks, fit bodies, and pretty teeth. Some people actually admire a celebrity because they stand up for good, they do what’s right, and they are just like you and me (shocking, I KNOW).

It’s not just a little Mexican boy wanting to relate to someone famous in that sense. It’s also a closeted high school football player, afraid of what his team would think or do and wants to tell people, “hey, if Michael Sam can be gay and play football, then so can I!” It’s an aspiring lesbian actress, afraid of not getting good roles because of her sexuality who may say, “wow, if Sarah Paulson can get amazing roles in film and TV, then so can I!” It’s an aspiring rapper who lives in fear of coming out in the hip-hop community and jeopardizing his potential career who says, “well, if Frank Ocean can nab so many Grammy nominations, then so can I!” The list can go on forever, but do you see my point? It’s something to aspire to, to be able to relate to someone publicly like that. It’s a source of inspiration for some people to know that they are capable of great things in life too. It IS in fact possible. And for me, Ellen Page is just one more extraordinary public figure making a difference by coming out, helping millions of quirky girls like herself believe that anything is possible.

 

Sure, wouldn’t it be great to one day live in a world where coming out in public doesn’t feel like a necessity? To one day live freely and just be accepted for who you are without a public declaration? I mean, you don’t hear straight people coming out as straight. But until that day comes, it’s important coming out with your sexuality as a public, no matter what line of work you’re in. You’ll never know how many people will be inspired or motivated, or just how many lives will be saved. 

Take it from me, it feels good to know that there IS in fact someone out there like me, and that I am capable of greatness and pure joy too.

Respect and Compassion (A gay Catholic's point of view)

I know almost for a fact that in my lifetime, I will see gay marriage accepted and allowed within our government. What I have a hard time seeing in my lifetime is the Catholic Church accepting it. And I’m pretty sure I’m ok with it.

WARNING: My stance on gay marriage is one that I still am trying to figure out. As a gay Catholic, there are a lot of things to consider and a lot that I still need to assess first. This is not an official statement on what side I fall on or what side I take, but rather a rant on what I believe for both sides of the equation. If you are looking for a definitive answer from me, if you are just going to judge me for not standing up for gay rights as a gay man, or you are going to criticize why I as a Catholic am not standing up for my religion as fiercely as others, then please leave now and let’s leave it at that.

Regardless of where you fall on the line, there should be compassion and humility in what you believe and not having to put anyone’s opinions down just for the sake of getting your point across, FOR BOTH SIDES!

I have a symbol on my Facebook picture today that is red with an equal sign. While most would say that this is my direct support for gay marriage, I think of it more as my support for this open discussion, that we live in a time when something that used to be so hush-hush is so main stream. I mean no harm in my picture; it’s just a simple sign of support.

Seeing a symbol of a shoe with this equal sign on it, stomping on top of a church I feel is a bit harsh and a bit dramatic, and quite frankly very hurtful to me. I have been Catholic since I was a baby, but God knew I was gay before that. All of my life, my sexuality has been a struggle coming to terms with on a lot of different levels. And while there are things within the Catholic Church that I don’t necessarily agree with wholeheartedly, I have never once have called out the church or ridiculed it in any way as though I were taking my beliefs and crushing them down on the church.

We can go on and on about the reasoning behind our opinions. Whether I pull out the “Jesus told us to love one another” card and others pull out the “Adam & Eve, not Adam & Steve” card, either way people are going to be upset and there are certainly justifiable pieces of support for either stance.

I in no way am anywhere near the thought of wanting to get married. I still have to deal with flakes and assholes when it comes to dating, so getting married isn’t something I really see in my near future to be honest. When and only if that time comes when I meet someone I love and make a promise to spend the rest of our lives together, of course I would like to have that option of marriage. Unfortunately though, I’m a bit confused about my own stance on this since realistically I know this probably will never happen within the church. So as of now, I in no way have any intention to enforce my views on the church. I respect the church, I’ve grown up in the church, I am heavily involved in the church, but I still have a general respect for what anyone believes, AS LONG AS they are mature and respectful about how they present their ideals and morals.

Some of my best and closest friends are strong, faithful Catholics. Never once have I ever been shunned from the group, forced to give up my friends simply because of my sexuality. And whether it’s because we just have never had a full-on open discussion about our beliefs when it comes to gay marriage or whether our friendship defies these kinds of stances, I’m ok with that. Nothing ever changed with my friends when I came out, nothing was supposed to change. Again it was just one more thing that was a part of who I was, but it is not what defines me (I have said this so many times before, y’all should know that much about me by now!) I love my friends and respect the fact not all of us agree on the same thing. My friendships are based on so much more than just beliefs. While some people may say that this is supposed to be a whole basis for what a friendship is, I think it works just fine without that as a focal point.

With the ranting aside, let me just say again that I don’t have a definitive answer about what side I take on this subject. I am gay, I am attracted to men, I am Catholic, I believe in God. No one can tell me that my faith is wrong, no can tell me that being gay is wrong and that I’m going to hell. I mean, feel free to try, but I’m way past the point of letting those insults get to me.

At the end of the day, I have my own personal relationship with God and my faith. No one is going to take that away.

Happy ThanksGAYving!

As a gay man, I’m thankful for a lot of things…

I’m thankful for musicals. Whether it’s the sincerity of Julie Andrews in The Sound of Music, 

the power of J-Hud in Dreamgirls,

the sassiness of Rita Moreno in West Side Story,

or the romanticism of Nicole Kidman and Ewan McGregor in Moulin Rouge,

they always know how to put a smile on my face!

I’m thankful for Tony Horton & Shaun T. Without them, my gay body physique would not exist or continue to build.

I’m thankful for fruity drinks. Lawd knows I can’t take anything straight (pun intended), so I’m eternally thankful for Malibu, Pinnacle, margaritas, Mike’s, and Three Olives.

I’m thankful for Liza, Barbra, Cher, Donna, Cyndi, and George for paving the way for musicians today and embracing the gays with open arms.

I’m thankful for GaGa, Madonna, Britney, Nicki, Beyoncé, and Adam for keeping the faith and giving us music to dance to and appreciate.

I’m thankful for role models like Anderson Cooper, Zachary Quinto, Matt Bomer, Neil Patrick Harris, and Ellen, proving that being gay in Hollywood sometimes makes you even more special than the rest of the bunch. It gives me hope when I finally make it out there!

I’m thankful for Will & Grace. Nothing has and nothing will EVER replace this show in my heart. That is all…

I’m thankful for the best of friends that anyone could ever ask for. I’m thankful that nothing changed when I “came out”, that they love me no matter what. I’m also thankful that they’re all crazy as hell!

I’m thankful for my family, for always loving me through every high or low, for their unconditional support, and for their patience and understanding in whatever I do.

And most importantly I’m thankful for my faith, my beliefs, my Lord, and my everything. He made me this way for a reason, and although times are troubled, things may get extremely difficult, I have my faith to fall on, to support me in everything I do. I am forever thankful for all that He has done to bless with me with the life I have lived thus far.

Happy Thanksgiving. HOLLA!

Happy Three Years!

It’s been exactly three years since I came out of that ever-crowded closet, and I’ve never felt better!

Since that night I have to wonder, has anything significantly changed?

I am loved!

I realized just how many amazing family members and friends I have.

Of all the people I chose to tell in person, not a single one pushed me away or condemned me. It has been nothing but unconditional love and support.

Please be aware that this is just a SMALL sample of all the amazing people in my life!

I didn’t change in any way whatsoever, just became more confident.

Gay bars are scary.

I’ve only been to a couple since turning 21, and they are quite entertaining. Drag queens are fabulous (especially when they perform to Selena songs).

I did not realize that there literally are fifty shades of gay (queen, butch, twink, fem, daddy, bear, etc.). Every person there is prepared for the dance of a lifetime. Drinks are so much fruitier and  delicious.

And creepers gon’ creep, no matter where you go!

Still waiting for him…

I’ve gone out with my fair share of frogs so far. Not a single one went past the first date (insert an image of me sobbing in my car while it rains, singing “All By Myself” at the top of my lungs).

The single life seems to fit me well, but there is still that ounce of hope that I’ll find that special someone. If that means more frogs until I find him, then bring it on! *ribbit*

I’m every woman, it’s all in me!

Ok, really I just wanted an excuse to quote Whitney (RIP girl).

But in all seriousness, how great is the gay culture? We dress well, we take care of ourselves (most of the time), we can decorate, we can perform our hearts out, we take part in government, we have kids, we don’t eat Chik-Fil-A (couldn’t resist).

We have Anderson, Matt Bomer, Liza, Spock, Barbra, GaGa, Madonna, Ellen, etc. (the list can go on forever).

We accept, love, and respect everyone and everything. And above all else, we are proud!

I’m happy to be who I am and to be where I am today in my life. Nothing gets me more excited than thinking about what else the future holds for me.

HOLLA!

National Suicide Awareness Day (My Personal Story)

As I discovered that today is National Suicide Awareness Day, I thought to myself that now would be a good time to discuss my personal struggle with this.

As I seem to start out every blog on here, I’ve known I was gay since I was a little kid. As a child though, I never really knew what to call it. There was no label available to me at this time because I didn’t fully understand what it meant. I just knew that I was who I was. I was a child of God just living without a care in the world.

I was fierce, even back then in my Barney outfit.

Let me start by saying that kids can be cruel. Sure I had times when I was mean or rude to other kids (i.e. karate kicking a kid in between the legs because he stole my swing, or pushing a kid off the slide because he was in my way). Everyone was guilty of it once or twice back in the day (some are still guilty of it now). But for me in elementary school, the cruelest thing I ever encountered were those who made fun of me both behind my back and right in front of me.

I was never beat up by kids at all. I never got into any physical altercations with other students. The harassment was often what they said and how they said it to me about my appearance and the friends I played with. I wasn’t on the basketball courts shooting hoops or out in the field playing soccer (both presumably with all boys). No. I was swinging on the swings, playing foursquare or tetherball, or even helping to create the most amazing rock club in the world! And as you probably can guess, the friends I played these games with were all girls (with the exception of a couple other boys who surprisingly have also come out as gay).

I remember always being so excited for the first day of school. I went shopping with my mom and bought new clothes (basically whatever was “in” at that time). I’d get off the bus, expecting nothing but good things and positive vibes for the new school year. What I got in return were whispers from other kids to each other on the playground, by the bathrooms, and yes even in my classroom. While I never fully could hear the entire whispering conversation, the only word I was ever able to pick up was “gay”. Every year it seemed from kindergarten through 5^th grade, there was always THAT group of kids calling me that name. When I got into 5^th grade it wasn't just “gay” that they would call me, but “faggot” as well.

My first day of school at ASU in 2011.

Like I said, kids can be cruel. I remember crying to my mom about it one day after school, so upset that these kids hadn’t a clue who I was, only that they knew I was the kid everyone thought was gay. When I explained to her about a particular group of boys in my class who would call me that name to my face, her advice was to turn right around and tell them that they must be jealous because I was hanging out with all of the girls that they had crushes on. Of course I tried this little snippet out the next day and was quite proud of my delivery. However, they preceded to cut me off mid-sentence, turn around and walk away as they all took turns saying things like “he’s such a faggot”, “what a girl”, “sissy”, “gay-wad”. (What the hell was a “wad” anyway? I never understood).

Whether it was the friends who were girls that I hung out with, my slight feminine mannerisms that caught people’s attention, or my supreme fashion sense and haircut (hard to believe my knee high white socks and slick bowl cut hair-do would cause such hatred), the teasing and name-calling on a constant basis had taken its toll on me.

When you hear it enough times in one day, multiplied by how many days are in the school year for 5 years in a row, it starts to get you down a lot. Every year I would wake up on that first day of school, hoping for a better start. But each year, the amount of time it took me to realize that it wouldn’t be as positive as I’d hoped started to get shorter and shorter.

I was getting ready to start 6^th grade at Edison and my mom was getting ready for her first year as a teacher at Adams. Helping her in her classroom and seeing how their school ran, I started to wonder if maybe I should go to a different school. I only had one year left. Couldn’t I have just sucked it up and taken the harsh words for a little while longer? Needless to say, I ended up spending 6^th grade at a brand new school with brand new kids. Being there in a new environment, free of all those hurtful words and stares and whispers behind my back, I was relieved. That’s not to say that there weren’t any mean kids like that at Adams, but it wasn’t as intense every day like it was back at Edison. Things were starting to look up.

But then I started junior high at Kino, going back to school with all of those kids from Edison who had tortured me with their harsh criticisms and name-calling, the same behavior that made me want to go to a completely different school in the first place. I figured that it had been a year since I had seen any of them. Hoping for the best once again on the first day of school, I went to Kino and faced the crowds again. First Hour, no issue. Second Hour, no name-calling. Third and Fourth Hour, still no problems or teasing. But when lunch came around as I looked for a place to sit and eat, I encountered a familiar face from the teasing days. I remember her (yes, it was a girl) walking with her friends towards me. She purposely bumped into me and yelled out “watch where you’re going faggot!” And just like a ton of bricks, all of those emotions, all of that pain I had tried to suppress from elementary school came right back to me.

I tried to keep my mind occupied. I joined drama and was a part of the school play. I so desperately wanted to convince people that I wasn’t gay. I wrote poetic love notes to girls, I had a “girlfriend” for about a week, I kissed another girl backstage during a rehearsal. I was on a mission to prove that I liked girls despite what everyone was saying and despite what I knew was truly me deep down inside. But drama and acting that year in seventh grade unfortunately didn’t do much to fill that void and keep my mind off of things. That girl who bumped me that first day of school along with several other students from Edison were joined by countless guys from gym class who were on a quest (I felt) to make my life a living hell. The whispering behind my back when I entered the room continued. By the end of seventh grade, I was just emotionally tired from it all.

When I started eighth grade, I was content with the idea that kids were still going to be cruel. I was starting to give drama classes and acting another try, but it wasn’t helping me right away. Given the fact that I often had the house to myself for a while when I’d get home from school, I would drink whatever alcohol I could find in our cupboard. Nothing too heavy or too much, but I had just enough to numb the pain. I started “friendships” with some older kids who used to hang out after school and smoke, so of course I tried numbing the pain there too. But nothing was doing it for me.

I know it’s silly to say that it was name-calling and teasing that made it get this far, but it really did in my case. Family members and friends would always say to just ignore it. But having to deal with it for almost 7 years, it was hard to ignore.

One day I came home, alone in the house again. It was a pretty rough day at school from what I can remember. I remember two other kids that day writing a note in class, passing it back and forth to each other when it accidentally landed on my desk. I kept it and went to the bathroom to go read it. All they were talking about was how gay I looked with my hair, how much of a girl I acted in gym class, what a faggot I was for wearing whatever it was that I was wearing that day. That note kept being read in my mind. When I got home that day, I went to the kitchen crying. There were some dishes in the sink; one of them I could see was a big knife. For a second I stopped crying. I looked at the knife and just froze. There was no hesitation. In my head I thought that this was going to be the only way out of this misery for me. So I picked up the knife and put the tip of the blade next to my stomach. Goosebumps went all through my body. Was I really going to go through with this? In that moment, yeah, I was going to. In my head I started to question why this was happening. Why after all the times I prayed to God to let it stop that He would keep it going on. I was only 13 years old. I pulled the knife back away from me and got ready for it. As I prepared to stab myself in the stomach, I heard the garage door unlocking. My dad was never home that early. I panicked and threw the knife into the sink as fast as I could. I wiped away those tears that had started pouring down. My dad came through the door like it was any other day. He saw me there, said hello, and went to his room.

My dad on his 50th birthday.

I literally stood there in shock for what seemed like an eternity. I was seconds away from taking my own life. It had gone that far. The teasing, the bullying, the name-calling, the harassing, call it whatever you will, it had reached its breaking point. My dad went back outside to work in the yard and I broke down and went to cry in my room. I remember crying out prayer after prayer, half of the time not even recognizing what I was saying. It just seemed to flow right out of me without hesitation.

That moment of self-realization about what I had almost  gone through, it got me thinking that things needed to change. All of those times when people would tell me to just turn away from all of that negativity and ignore it, it was easier said than done. But I knew that I needed to turn to something positive and channel all of those feelings into something constructive and safe. Luckily THAT is when theatre started to become a huge part of my life.

In both 8^th and 9^th grade I found relief in comedies, acting like a goofball on stage. I was able to escape myself and all of that ridicule by becoming someone else, even if it was just for a short amount of time. Soon when I started 9^th grade, I was getting heavily involved with church in the LIFETEEN program. My faith in God was strengthened. My life wasn’t meant to end that way and that soon.

When I left Kino, I made the decision to get a boundary exception to attend Mesa High rather than going to Westwood with everyone else. I was at a brand new school with people I had never met before. I immediately got involved and became Sophomore Class President. I was placed into the advanced drama class. I was making friends left and right and things just seemed to get bigger and better during the rest of high school. Not once during those years did I ever feel that hatred. I never felt uncomfortable walking by groups of people, scared that they would begin to whisper. I was surrounded with amazing friends, inspiring teachers, and an overall great high school experience.

Today being National Suicide Awareness Day, I am reminded of those feelings on that day so many years ago when I almost took my own life. I remind myself and pray that no one ever has to go through something like that. Kids are still cruel in school and things like this still happen, but if my story and experience can help reassure anyone out there that things do in fact get better, then I’ve done my job.

UPDATE: Back in December 2013, I put together a performance of coming out stories including my own for a piece I called "OUT! A Diverse Identity". I reenacted my suicide attempt through a mime piece while excerpts from this blog post were read aloud.