Happy Three Years!

It’s been exactly three years since I came out of that ever-crowded closet, and I’ve never felt better!

Since that night I have to wonder, has anything significantly changed?

I am loved!

I realized just how many amazing family members and friends I have.

Of all the people I chose to tell in person, not a single one pushed me away or condemned me. It has been nothing but unconditional love and support.

Please be aware that this is just a SMALL sample of all the amazing people in my life!

I didn’t change in any way whatsoever, just became more confident.

Gay bars are scary.

I’ve only been to a couple since turning 21, and they are quite entertaining. Drag queens are fabulous (especially when they perform to Selena songs).

I did not realize that there literally are fifty shades of gay (queen, butch, twink, fem, daddy, bear, etc.). Every person there is prepared for the dance of a lifetime. Drinks are so much fruitier and  delicious.

And creepers gon’ creep, no matter where you go!

Still waiting for him…

I’ve gone out with my fair share of frogs so far. Not a single one went past the first date (insert an image of me sobbing in my car while it rains, singing “All By Myself” at the top of my lungs).

The single life seems to fit me well, but there is still that ounce of hope that I’ll find that special someone. If that means more frogs until I find him, then bring it on! *ribbit*

I’m every woman, it’s all in me!

Ok, really I just wanted an excuse to quote Whitney (RIP girl).

But in all seriousness, how great is the gay culture? We dress well, we take care of ourselves (most of the time), we can decorate, we can perform our hearts out, we take part in government, we have kids, we don’t eat Chik-Fil-A (couldn’t resist).

We have Anderson, Matt Bomer, Liza, Spock, Barbra, GaGa, Madonna, Ellen, etc. (the list can go on forever).

We accept, love, and respect everyone and everything. And above all else, we are proud!

I’m happy to be who I am and to be where I am today in my life. Nothing gets me more excited than thinking about what else the future holds for me.

HOLLA!

National Suicide Awareness Day (My Personal Story)

As I discovered that today is National Suicide Awareness Day, I thought to myself that now would be a good time to discuss my personal struggle with this.

As I seem to start out every blog on here, I’ve known I was gay since I was a little kid. As a child though, I never really knew what to call it. There was no label available to me at this time because I didn’t fully understand what it meant. I just knew that I was who I was. I was a child of God just living without a care in the world.

I was fierce, even back then in my Barney outfit.

Let me start by saying that kids can be cruel. Sure I had times when I was mean or rude to other kids (i.e. karate kicking a kid in between the legs because he stole my swing, or pushing a kid off the slide because he was in my way). Everyone was guilty of it once or twice back in the day (some are still guilty of it now). But for me in elementary school, the cruelest thing I ever encountered were those who made fun of me both behind my back and right in front of me.

I was never beat up by kids at all. I never got into any physical altercations with other students. The harassment was often what they said and how they said it to me about my appearance and the friends I played with. I wasn’t on the basketball courts shooting hoops or out in the field playing soccer (both presumably with all boys). No. I was swinging on the swings, playing foursquare or tetherball, or even helping to create the most amazing rock club in the world! And as you probably can guess, the friends I played these games with were all girls (with the exception of a couple other boys who surprisingly have also come out as gay).

I remember always being so excited for the first day of school. I went shopping with my mom and bought new clothes (basically whatever was “in” at that time). I’d get off the bus, expecting nothing but good things and positive vibes for the new school year. What I got in return were whispers from other kids to each other on the playground, by the bathrooms, and yes even in my classroom. While I never fully could hear the entire whispering conversation, the only word I was ever able to pick up was “gay”. Every year it seemed from kindergarten through 5^th grade, there was always THAT group of kids calling me that name. When I got into 5^th grade it wasn't just “gay” that they would call me, but “faggot” as well.

My first day of school at ASU in 2011.

Like I said, kids can be cruel. I remember crying to my mom about it one day after school, so upset that these kids hadn’t a clue who I was, only that they knew I was the kid everyone thought was gay. When I explained to her about a particular group of boys in my class who would call me that name to my face, her advice was to turn right around and tell them that they must be jealous because I was hanging out with all of the girls that they had crushes on. Of course I tried this little snippet out the next day and was quite proud of my delivery. However, they preceded to cut me off mid-sentence, turn around and walk away as they all took turns saying things like “he’s such a faggot”, “what a girl”, “sissy”, “gay-wad”. (What the hell was a “wad” anyway? I never understood).

Whether it was the friends who were girls that I hung out with, my slight feminine mannerisms that caught people’s attention, or my supreme fashion sense and haircut (hard to believe my knee high white socks and slick bowl cut hair-do would cause such hatred), the teasing and name-calling on a constant basis had taken its toll on me.

When you hear it enough times in one day, multiplied by how many days are in the school year for 5 years in a row, it starts to get you down a lot. Every year I would wake up on that first day of school, hoping for a better start. But each year, the amount of time it took me to realize that it wouldn’t be as positive as I’d hoped started to get shorter and shorter.

I was getting ready to start 6^th grade at Edison and my mom was getting ready for her first year as a teacher at Adams. Helping her in her classroom and seeing how their school ran, I started to wonder if maybe I should go to a different school. I only had one year left. Couldn’t I have just sucked it up and taken the harsh words for a little while longer? Needless to say, I ended up spending 6^th grade at a brand new school with brand new kids. Being there in a new environment, free of all those hurtful words and stares and whispers behind my back, I was relieved. That’s not to say that there weren’t any mean kids like that at Adams, but it wasn’t as intense every day like it was back at Edison. Things were starting to look up.

But then I started junior high at Kino, going back to school with all of those kids from Edison who had tortured me with their harsh criticisms and name-calling, the same behavior that made me want to go to a completely different school in the first place. I figured that it had been a year since I had seen any of them. Hoping for the best once again on the first day of school, I went to Kino and faced the crowds again. First Hour, no issue. Second Hour, no name-calling. Third and Fourth Hour, still no problems or teasing. But when lunch came around as I looked for a place to sit and eat, I encountered a familiar face from the teasing days. I remember her (yes, it was a girl) walking with her friends towards me. She purposely bumped into me and yelled out “watch where you’re going faggot!” And just like a ton of bricks, all of those emotions, all of that pain I had tried to suppress from elementary school came right back to me.

I tried to keep my mind occupied. I joined drama and was a part of the school play. I so desperately wanted to convince people that I wasn’t gay. I wrote poetic love notes to girls, I had a “girlfriend” for about a week, I kissed another girl backstage during a rehearsal. I was on a mission to prove that I liked girls despite what everyone was saying and despite what I knew was truly me deep down inside. But drama and acting that year in seventh grade unfortunately didn’t do much to fill that void and keep my mind off of things. That girl who bumped me that first day of school along with several other students from Edison were joined by countless guys from gym class who were on a quest (I felt) to make my life a living hell. The whispering behind my back when I entered the room continued. By the end of seventh grade, I was just emotionally tired from it all.

When I started eighth grade, I was content with the idea that kids were still going to be cruel. I was starting to give drama classes and acting another try, but it wasn’t helping me right away. Given the fact that I often had the house to myself for a while when I’d get home from school, I would drink whatever alcohol I could find in our cupboard. Nothing too heavy or too much, but I had just enough to numb the pain. I started “friendships” with some older kids who used to hang out after school and smoke, so of course I tried numbing the pain there too. But nothing was doing it for me.

I know it’s silly to say that it was name-calling and teasing that made it get this far, but it really did in my case. Family members and friends would always say to just ignore it. But having to deal with it for almost 7 years, it was hard to ignore.

One day I came home, alone in the house again. It was a pretty rough day at school from what I can remember. I remember two other kids that day writing a note in class, passing it back and forth to each other when it accidentally landed on my desk. I kept it and went to the bathroom to go read it. All they were talking about was how gay I looked with my hair, how much of a girl I acted in gym class, what a faggot I was for wearing whatever it was that I was wearing that day. That note kept being read in my mind. When I got home that day, I went to the kitchen crying. There were some dishes in the sink; one of them I could see was a big knife. For a second I stopped crying. I looked at the knife and just froze. There was no hesitation. In my head I thought that this was going to be the only way out of this misery for me. So I picked up the knife and put the tip of the blade next to my stomach. Goosebumps went all through my body. Was I really going to go through with this? In that moment, yeah, I was going to. In my head I started to question why this was happening. Why after all the times I prayed to God to let it stop that He would keep it going on. I was only 13 years old. I pulled the knife back away from me and got ready for it. As I prepared to stab myself in the stomach, I heard the garage door unlocking. My dad was never home that early. I panicked and threw the knife into the sink as fast as I could. I wiped away those tears that had started pouring down. My dad came through the door like it was any other day. He saw me there, said hello, and went to his room.

My dad on his 50th birthday.

I literally stood there in shock for what seemed like an eternity. I was seconds away from taking my own life. It had gone that far. The teasing, the bullying, the name-calling, the harassing, call it whatever you will, it had reached its breaking point. My dad went back outside to work in the yard and I broke down and went to cry in my room. I remember crying out prayer after prayer, half of the time not even recognizing what I was saying. It just seemed to flow right out of me without hesitation.

That moment of self-realization about what I had almost  gone through, it got me thinking that things needed to change. All of those times when people would tell me to just turn away from all of that negativity and ignore it, it was easier said than done. But I knew that I needed to turn to something positive and channel all of those feelings into something constructive and safe. Luckily THAT is when theatre started to become a huge part of my life.

In both 8^th and 9^th grade I found relief in comedies, acting like a goofball on stage. I was able to escape myself and all of that ridicule by becoming someone else, even if it was just for a short amount of time. Soon when I started 9^th grade, I was getting heavily involved with church in the LIFETEEN program. My faith in God was strengthened. My life wasn’t meant to end that way and that soon.

When I left Kino, I made the decision to get a boundary exception to attend Mesa High rather than going to Westwood with everyone else. I was at a brand new school with people I had never met before. I immediately got involved and became Sophomore Class President. I was placed into the advanced drama class. I was making friends left and right and things just seemed to get bigger and better during the rest of high school. Not once during those years did I ever feel that hatred. I never felt uncomfortable walking by groups of people, scared that they would begin to whisper. I was surrounded with amazing friends, inspiring teachers, and an overall great high school experience.

Today being National Suicide Awareness Day, I am reminded of those feelings on that day so many years ago when I almost took my own life. I remind myself and pray that no one ever has to go through something like that. Kids are still cruel in school and things like this still happen, but if my story and experience can help reassure anyone out there that things do in fact get better, then I’ve done my job.

UPDATE: Back in December 2013, I put together a performance of coming out stories including my own for a piece I called "OUT! A Diverse Identity". I reenacted my suicide attempt through a mime piece while excerpts from this blog post were read aloud.

The Unfortunate Normal

Beginning this year in Glee’s third season, we finally met Rachel Berry’s parents: two heart-warming individuals who care deeply for their daughter and look out for her best interests, given the fact that she’s still in high school and is planning on marrying her boyfriend before graduating.

Back in 2011 on Grey’s Anatomy’s seventh season, we got to see two doctors come together in marriage after the birth of their beautiful daughter, given the fact that the mother was in a horrific car accident and gave birth in some pretty intense circumstances.

 And since 2009 when Modern Family first premiered, we’ve come to love a certain set of parents who have an adopted daughter, given the fact that at times they can get pretty hysterical when it comes to raising her.

What do all of these now famous and well-known TV couples have in common? Well given the fact that they all have their own extreme circumstances and some have some very complicated storylines, what it comes down to is that they are all same-sex couples committed to not only their relationships and marriages, but to the beautiful children that they are raising.

Given that it’s 2012 and this topic is so main stream, it’s a bit disappointing that the new NBC comedy The New Normal that is embracing this same-sex scenario has been yanked from NBC’s Utah affiliate KSL-TV. No, let me re-phrase that: it’s absurdly annoying, heartbreakingly disappointing, and very infuriating to me that they are allowed to do this.

Whether it’s religious purposes, personal preferences, or whatever other reason that may be present, I respect anyone’s decision to not want to watch the show. If there is something that they don’t agree with morally, that is their decision to not watch it. But to take that opportunity away entirely, not giving people the choice to either watch it or not? That sounds a little communist to me in my opinion.

What aggravates me the most about this cowardly decision is that this seems to be the only NBC program they have deemed inappropriate for their Utah viewers, the majority of which may in fact be conservative families with moral and religious obligations. It’s a harmless comedy that is embracing a new generation of modern families, a “new normal” so to speak. It’s a concept that was supposed to be familiar enough to not weird people out.

Why is it that a show like this is banned, yet they are still allowed to air sexual abuse and rape on Law & Order: SVU, pre-maritial relations on shows like Smash, Parenthood, & Whitney, and the amount of language, violence, and thematic elements in shows like Hannibal & Grimm? I have nothing against these shows whatsoever. In fact I happen to be an avid watcher of a vast majority of these. What bothers me is how they defend their decision by stating, “From time to time we may struggle with content that crosses the line in one area or another. The dialogue might be excessively rude and crude. The scenes may be too explicit or the characterizations might seem offensive.” (Jeff Simpson, CEO of KSL’s parent company, Bonneville International)

Jeff Simpson

You could argue that Alec Baldwin’s portrayal of Jack Donaghy on 30 Rock is an offensive characterization at times.

You could argue that the majority of the dialogue on The Office can come across as excessively rude and crude.

And of course let us not forget that everyone can certainly argue that more times than not, the scenes on Law & Order: SVU are way too explicit.

So why the big deal in banning a show that brings more light to same-sex couples who are committed to raising children in this day and age? They have yet to even see the show themselves and they’re making this decision a bit pre-maturely.

It sounds like a lot of sheltering. It sounds as if they are controlling what people can and cannot watch. They could certainly put a disclaimer before the show as a viewer discretion. They can certainly encourage their conservative viewers to not support the show if that is their choice and they want to make a statement. But please give people the chance to make their own informed decisions as to whether they want to watch the show or not.

It’s a sad situation and one that is very unfortunate. I for one hope that one day I will be happily married and raising my own children. I want to raise my children to respect others for their differences, to show kindness and compassion to families that may be different from their own. It’s a sad thing to hear that having an opportunity to shed light on same-sex parenting in a positive, light-hearted, and hilarious manner is tossed out of the way in order to protect a certain group of people. I thought we all were pretty much on the same level that communism was not a big success?

Again, allow me to reiterate that I do not judge them for taking this action. Much like the Chik-Fil-A fiasco a couple weeks ago, that is their right to share their beliefs. What they don’t have the right to do is take the viewing opportunity away entirely from audiences who may actually be interested in watching the show for themselves and making their own decisions. Not everyone in Utah is ultra conservative and scared of seeing the reality or our society today played out on TV (and I’m not talking about Jersey Shore of The Real Housewives, those are far from reality).

I’m talking about the modern families and new normals in our world today. I’m talking about giving the same-sex couples demographic and population a chance to be represented fairly along with everyone else on television today.

I for one will be campaigning hard for this show. Being a huge fan of Ryan Murphy and knowing the big success he brings with his shows (Nip/Tuck, Glee, American Horror Story), I’m excited and hopeful that this show is equally successful in more ways than one!

HOLLA!

Jennifer Lopez in Concert (or A Little Gay Boy's Dream Come True!)

I feel as though somehow words cannot even begin to describe what I just experienced tonight! After more than 10 years of waiting (well, about 13 to be exact) I got to see my love, my idol, Jennifer Lopez in concert! This, as you all are well-aware, was a HUGE deal! You see, every gay man has that one woman that they admire and look up to. For some it may be Celine, or Judy, or Cher, Madonna, GaGa, Britney, or Liza. But then there’s me who claims Jennifer Lopez for that special place in my heart!

I was a wee little lad when I first saw this beautiful woman in a little film called Mi Familia. She was in it for less than 10 minutes, but it was at the age of 4 when I knew this woman was special to me. And following her through the years since then, my admiration and respect for her as grown tremendously.

From Selena, to On the 6, to every relationship, every breakdown, every movie, song, commercial, I’ve supported her 100%! And while she may have critics who say she can’t perform, she’s not a true entertainer, whatever! She proved herself the entire night!!!

But first let’s start from the beginning of the night. We had the smooth and sophisticated Frankie J as the opener. He even made fun of himself, pointing out that people probably barely remember who he was. He opened with “Obsession (No Es Amor)”. Afterwards it was time for the bittersweet “Don’t Wanna Try” and then to the sweet “More Than Words”. It’s clear this guy has one hell of a voice!

Now a couple weeks ago, we got to witness Kelly Clarkson and The Fray in action. As the promotion would have you believe, Kelly Clarkson should have closed the show being the headliner and all. But we were all surprised and a little disappointed that she went first and The Fray had the glory of closing the show instead.

Not to say that The Fray was bad (because they were incredible!), but when you had your heart set on Kelly Clarkson to end the whole show with a bang, it was a little bit of a letdown. Having done all my research since purchasing my tickets earlier this year, I heard that Jennifer would do her set list first and Enrique would close the show with his set right after. I had gotten myself ready for this. But much to my surprise, Enrique burst onto the stage and blew us all away!

I have always respected Enrique Iglesias. I’ve listened and enjoyed a majority of his songs. But after his set, I have come to not only love this man even more, but to truly respect just how down to earth he is, especially when it comes to interacting with his fans. And there was the fact that his songs had everyone dancing and singing along. From “Tonight I’ve Lovin’ You”, to “Be With You”, to “Bailamos”, and then closing with “Escape”, “Hero”, and “I Like It”, he kept the energy coming and made all of us swoon.

Then it was time to adjust the entire stage and get ready for J.LO. We were all in for quite the show as we see her emerge to the rhythm of a classic musical spectacle before ripping off her accessories and busting right into “Get Right”.

As soon as those horns started, everyone leaped up onto their feet and never sat back down after that. From that first number and throughout the rest of the show, it was easy to see just why I looked (and continue to look) up to her all these years!

From the energy, to the high entertainment level, to the intense dance sequences, and all the while proving that she CAN sing live, she stormed that stage song after song! Whether it was taking it back in the day with songs like “Love Don’t Cost a Thing”, “Waiting For Tonight”, her impressive medley of “I’m Real (Remix)”/ “All I Have”/ “Ain’t It Funny (Remix)”, “Jenny From the Block” and “Let’s Get Loud”, showcasing her newer repertoire with songs like “I’m Into You”, “Goin’ In”, “Hold It Don’t Drop It”, “Papi”, and “On the Floor”, slowing things down with gems like “If You Had My Love” and “Until It Beats No More”, or ending the show on an amazing note with “Dance Again” and “Follow the Leader”, it’s clear that Miss Lopez still has it going on in all the right places!

The best moment though was her singing “Until It Beats No More”, a song that when first performed on SNL back in 2010 wasn’t a strong indication that Jennifer was capable of a comeback.

But tonight, it was the moment when she belted out every note right on the dot, she sang her heart out, and gave me chills (and yes, she even made me cry). She’s worked hard for so many years to get to where she is now in her career, and all of that hard work has paid off.

Think what you may, but she IS a true entertainer. With every little kick, every shake, every thrust and what not, she was fierce and in control. She let everyone have a good time and got everyone up on their feet throughout the night.

Overall, it was an experience that I have been waiting for for years. The little gay boy who used to act out scenes from Selena and perform dances to her songs in school talent shows was jumping up and down for joy all night from the first song until her last. It was truly a memorable night, one that I will never EVER forget!

A LOVER FOREVER!